The Confession
by bhargavee
Summary: This is my own version of Sam's confession in the church, based on season 8 finale.


**The Confession**

Sam slowly entered the dark, silent church, quietly closing the door behind him. With Dean's words still resonating in his mind, he looked up at the statue of Jesus whose arms were pinned to the cross. He felt a little offended at how Dean had bluntly rattled off the list of, to put it in his way- 'Sam's greatest hits'. But Sam knew, that it was just his brother's way of helping him, by being brutally honest.

Taking a deep breath, Sam began his confession- "Ok..Umm.. If anybody's listening, here goes.,My name is Sam Winchester rand uh.. I've undertaken God's tests- the 3 trials to shut the gates of hell forever. I've got through the first 2 trials somehow and I am here today to confess my sins, purify myself as part of the ultimate trial." Sam paused. He could already feel his heart racing as his mind flashed back to those moments of his cursed life he would've given anything to forget- Jess's death, his father's death, Ruby's betrayal, Lucifer's torture, Bobby's death; all those nightmares, the pain and guilt that the two of them lived through each day with the aid of alcoholism.

Sam closed his eyes for a moment to compose himself and then continued- "Me and my brother, it's all that's left of our family. If it weren't for pictures, I wouldn't have known what mom even looked like. And dad..huh.. Now that I think of it, I wonder if we had ever really talked. All I can remember of those few times when we happened to see each other, are fights, threats and Dean trying to stop us from tearing each other's throats..Of course I realise now whose fault it was all really.. Dad did his best to keep us safe, to be there for us. I on the other hand wanted nothing more than a normal life; this obsession that has ended up hurting both my dad and my brother."

Sam paused in remembrance of that worst fight he had with his dad, the day he ditched the family for Stanford. With a flushed face and a burning rage in his heart, he had hurriedly packed his bags and stomped downstairs towards the front entrance; when his father's angry scream from the hallway made him stop with his hand on the doorknob- **"YOU WALK OUT THROUGH THAT DOOR, DON'T YOU EVER COME BACK!"** But he had walked out anyway, leaving behind 2 broken hearts.

Sam continued, "They were right all along. We can't have a normal life. I did let my father down. But perhaps my greatest sin was, how many times I had let my brother down.."He could feel his eyes turning glassy as he spoke. "When we were kids, Dad was away most of the time and it was Dean who practically raised me. I wonder sometimes, like I do now, whether I've really done enough to reciprocate even half of what he has done for me his whole life.. I don't know and I uh.. I guess I'll never know..But what I do know for sure is that, I let him down in ways that he..he certainly didn't deserve." As his voice cracked and tears ran down his cheeks, Sam could feel the invisible grip on his chest, loosening.

Sam knew, that try as he might, he would never be able to forget or forgive himself for that fight with Dean when he had chosen a demon over his own brother. Lying flat on his back on the floor of a posh motel room, his hands and face bleeding and shards of broken glass all around, Dean had quoted in gasps, their father's words of ages ago as a last resort to bring his brother back. But his blood boiling with murderous rage, Sam had only slammed the door shut, turning his back on family for the second time and bringing up a barrier between the two that was to take years to break down.

Walking down the memory lane, Sam paused to reflect upon a more recent argument he had with Dean on the day of his return from Purgatory. Initially though he had failed to comprehend, Sam now understood where he had let his brother down. It wasn't that Dean had a problem with Sam getting an ounce of a happy apple-pie life in his absence. It was just that he had expected of Sam to pluck up courage and look for him anyhow just once, if not for the entire year; but he had failed to do that. Sam's heart had not yet healed from Dean's cutting words of brutal honesty-

" **We always told each other not to look for each other. But of course we always ignored that because of our deep and abiding love for each other. But not this time, right Sammy?"**

Gulping, Sam back fresh tears that threatened to spill, Sam continued- "Everything that Dean said back when we were by our car, is true. I don't ask forgiveness from him or…or anyone for that matter.. coz that I guess would be stupid. But, I meant what I said about these trials purifying me. Every time we get a step closer to closing the gates on those sons of bitches that ruined our lives, that ruined so many lives; I feel that there is maybe hope for forgiveness. I don't know, I maybe wrong.. But what I do know for sure is that I'll complete these trials and nevr give myself a chance to let my brother clean up my messes.. Ever again.. That I do know for sure."

With that, Sam slowly retreated and walked out of the church, closing the door behind him, Stepping out, he heaved a huge sigh and gulped the fresh morning air, letting the cool breeze ruffle his hair. His heart felt light after the confession like an immense weight had been lifted off his chest. "But not the weight on the shoulders" Sam thought aloud as he headed back to where Crowley was chained. "But that's about to be lifted off too." He said to himself, taking out from his pocket a syringe filled with human blood.


End file.
